Forgiving Others

If you, or I, or any other were asked to compile a list of the ugliest traits of character that a person could have and that we run across in people I am sure that things like hatred, anger, bitterness, malice, and an unwillingness to forgive would all rank up near the top of our list.

While I listed five traits, it is easy to see how they are all related in the person who is unwilling to forgive. There is a sort of revenge motive in the person who will not forgive. The idea is that I will get even with you, even if my only weapon to do so is by not forgiving.

Admittedly, some wrongdoing is so horrendous it would be nearly impossible for most of us to forgive; for example, the rape and murder of a young daughter. There are other more common things that would be hard to forgive as well--adultery committed against us, desertion by a husband against his wife and children, physical abuse, lies told against us, sins committed against our children, etc.

But, even so, where does holding on to the anger and bitterness and hatred get you? Does it bring you a happier life? Does it bring you joy? We all know the answer—it only brings greater suffering and sorrow, more misery, as we dwell more and more on the hurt we have received rather than on the rebuilding of our life that can bring joy and peace.

But there are some guilty of sin who refuse to repent. Based on Luke 17:3, I do not believe we are required to forgive those unwilling to repent for the text says “if he repents.” Nevertheless, even then, there is nothing to be gained and much to be lost by harboring anger, bitterness, and hatred toward the one who has done you wrong; in doing so, you become guilty of sin yourself. Our attitude must be that we are ready and willing to forgive.

There is an adage that time heals, and so it does. We all have people who have done us wrong, whom we have been angry with, but with time, the things that seemed so great an issue when they occurred have paled into insignificance and no longer matter for the one who has a forgiving spirit. No amount of time will heal the one with the unforgiving spirit. They will go on living in misery.

We are going to get hurt in life. That is just life. But we also have to remember as we have been hurt, so we have hurt others, whether intentionally or not. If we seek mercy and grace we must extend the same to others. Why do we take the hurts we receive to heart but see as insignificant things we have said or done to others? We, too, are guilty.

The New Testament is a message from God to man about forgiveness. It is God’s message to us that he is anxious, and more than willing, to forgive us of our sins. As God is a spiritual being, so are we. It is not the physical man that gets hurt, who develops bitterness and hatred, and who is unwilling to forgive, but the spiritual man.

Man was created in the image of God (Gen. 1:26). As we have received hurt at the hands of others, we have to remember that all of us have hurt God with our own lives. This has been true of man from the beginning. “And the Lord was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and he was grieved in his heart.” (Gen. 6:6 NKJV) This was because “the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intent of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.” (Gen. 6:5 NKJV)

It is easy to say that was generations ago and times have changed; we are not that way today. Yes, easy to say but also easy to know we are deceiving ourselves when we do so. Paul said to Christians, “Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” (Eph. 3:30 NKJV) If a Christian can grieve God, how about all those who are not Christians, who know the truth of the gospel but will not obey it? Do you think they grieve God? The sins and sinners of the world grieve God.

God is more than willing to forgive. We are to be followers of God, to be like him. If you have read the prophets of the Old Testament you have seen God virtually begging his sinful people to repent and return with the promise that he will forgive them. “Let the wicked one abandon his way and the sinful one his thoughts, let him return to the Lord, so he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will freely forgive.” (Isa 55:7 CSB)

The parable of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15 is a parable about God’s willingness and longing to forgive us, the father representing God, mankind’s father. When he saw his son coming home, the text says, “When he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.” (Luke 15:20 NKJV)

He was overjoyed. The son’s sins he had committed did not matter, not now. All that mattered was that the son was now home. Repentance had brought the son home and a father’s love brought forgiveness before the son spoke a word. This is the attitude we are to have toward those who have sinned against us. No doubt in the father’s heart he had long since forgiven the son but there was no way to express that until the son repented and returned home. There could be no reconciliation until that happened. The father’s heart had been full of love and forgiveness before the son ever came into sight. It only awaited his appearance to be manifested. This is to be our attitude toward those who sin against us.

Jesus taught us, “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matt. 6:14-15 NKJV) “And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25 NKJV) This forgiveness must be “from his heart” (Matt. 18:35 NKJV), which means, of course, sincerely.

It might be good to comment on Mark 11:25, just quoted. Previously, I said that based on Luke 17:3, I do not think we must forgive the one who will not repent of his sin against us. Is Mark 11:25 saying we must even if he does not repent? I don’t think so. Mark 11:25 is a description of what the heart of the one who was sinned against ought to be. His heart is ready, willing, and even anxious to forgive the one who has harmed him. In his heart he has already forgiven the sinner, but formal reconciliation cannot come until both parties are amenable to it. That thus awaits the repentance of the sinner. I think Luke 17:3 is saying reconciliation awaits repentance for how does one reconcile with one who refuses to repent?

Jesus on the cross is an example of this. In his prayer to the Father, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” (Luke 23:34 NKJV) In his heart, Jesus had forgiven them. But formal forgiveness or reconciliation, if you will, could not come until the Day of Pentecost in Acts 2 when they repented and obeyed the gospel. Of course, not all of Jesus’ crucifiers repented. Those who did not were not forgiven.

If Jesus could have a heart of forgiveness toward those who were crucifying him, then surely no one has done such evil to you as that done to him. How is our heart toward God and our fellowman when we relish hatred and enjoy the bitterness and anger that accompany it? And why is that so? Why are we that way? Why would we rather destroy ourselves than forgive? Hatred, anger, and bitterness are self-destructive.

There is comfort to be found in the Christian life in not only our own forgiveness by God but also the burden that is lifted from our shoulders when we, from the heart, forgive those we have so long held anger and bitterness against. “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor (‘harsh words’ in the NLT—DS), and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you.” (Eph. 4:31-32 NKJV)

It is so much easier to live life when surrounded by people who are kind and tenderhearted and forgiving, people who are not out just for themselves, or just to get you, or just to get even and reap vengeance, but rather people who care about you. No, life is better when you are able to say yes, I need forgiveness myself, and I will no longer hold anger or grudges against others but I will forgive as I seek God’s forgiveness in my own life.

We need not live in hatred and malice, and unforgiving of others, as that is a personal choice. We choose to be that way. We do not have to be. No one forces us to be unloving and unforgiving and full of pride that will not let us repent.

David said, “Depart from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.” (Psalms 34:14 NKJV) It is a choice. “Cease from anger, and forsake wrath.” (Psalms 37:8 NKJV) God is ready to forgive. “For you, Lord, are good, and ready to forgive, and abundant in mercy to all those who call upon you.” (Psalms 86:5 NKJV)

There is a passage in Ezekiel that we all ought to learn for even though it was written for another people at another time it is applicable today, “Therefore I will judge you, O house of Israel, every one according to his ways,” says the Lord God. Repent, and turn from all your transgressions, so that iniquity will not be your ruin. Cast away from you all the transgressions which you have committed, and get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit. For why should you die, O house of Israel? For I have no pleasure in the death of one who dies, says the Lord God. Therefore turn and live!” (Ezek. 18:30-32 NKJV)

We will all be judged individually, “every one according to his ways,” so it is not what kind of attitude the other man has that we have it in for but it is our own attitude that we must account for. Repentance can save us: “Repent…so that iniquity will not be your ruin.” It is up to us as we can get ourselves “a new heart and a new spirit.” No, we do not have to be the way we are if we are unloving and unforgiving.

This discussion would be incomplete without a brief mention of the implications of forgiveness. Forgiveness in its fullest sense, when there has been repentance and the two parties are fully reconciled, means a full restoration of friendship and fellowship. It is as if the sin never occurred. Jeremiah, the prophet, spoke of the New Covenant to come under which you and I live today. Jeremiah quotes the Lord as saying, “I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.” (Jer. 31:34 NKJV) Sin is no longer remembered when God forgives. When you and I forgive, the sin is no longer to be remembered. It is to be as if it never happened.

In 2 Cor. 2:8, Paul urged the church at Corinth to “reaffirm your love to him,” referring to one among their number who had repented of his sin. Forgiveness does not mean you merely make a statement of forgiveness, but you must treat the one you have forgiven with Christian love and kindness, not as a piranha, not as one you avoid.

In closing, let me ask a few questions for your consideration. Why did Jesus come into the world? Who sent him? Why is Jesus called the Savior? Why did he die on the cross? Has God given us a choice (free will)? Is it possible to change our attitude, our life, and our hope? Why do we choose to hate, have bitterness and anger, to be unloving and unforgiving? What joy and happiness do we find in that? Is there a better way of life? Can peace and joy and hope of life everlasting be found, or is the way hidden from us?

I think we all know the answers to these questions, so there is only one other question to ask. It is the question in the old gospel hymn we have sung since the days of my childhood, which is now many decades past. It is the question, “Why do you wait o sinner?” “Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.” (2 Cor. 6:2 NKJV) There is peace in forgiving and in being forgiven.

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God’s Plea -- Be Reconciled to God

The word reconciliation is a very emotionally laden word.  There are millions upon millions of people in this world of billions who have sorrow in their lives that words cannot express.  It is a sadness that continues with them daily, month by month, year by year, and how can they tell anyone?  What can they say?  They cannot verbalize their feelings even to themselves let alone to others.  It is sadness, depression, emptiness, a sorrow that words cannot describe.

Why such sorrow, such longful mourning, such a sense of despair; because there is alienation within the family.  Families are torn apart because one member or another became alienated and will no longer have anything to do with the rest of the family or at least with the one with whom they are alienated.  The alienated one becomes angry and lives in bitterness, hate, and resentment.  Sometimes both parties involved come to feel that way but often it is a one-party matter.  The individual feels that he/she was done wrong and mistreated whether true or not; that is how they see it.

I knew a family, and there are many such families, whose only child, a son, ran away from home while alienated as a teenager and that was the last they saw him or heard from him, at least for many, many years, into decades.  They had no idea where he was.  The mother died without ever seeing her son again or knowing what became of him.  I cannot imagine the pain that mother and dad dealt with all of those years.  No doubt that mother would have rejoiced in tears to have seen her son at her bedside, just one time, as she passed from this world into the next.  However, that was not to be.

I did recently learn, I had lost touch with the family for years, that before the father’s passing the son had communicated with him.  Whether there was a genuine reconciliation or not I know not as I received my knowledge of this from a third party.  But how sad it was that this family had to go through this.

When I came to know the mother and dad they were devout church members.  I am sure faith in God is all that allowed them to live all those many years from middle age on into old age.  The one who suffers the least in these family breakups is the alienated.  They feel justified, maybe a sense of getting even, I will show you, and so in their desire to do this, they emotionally kill the other party and seemingly find some fulfillment in doing so.  The Bible would call this malice or hatred and condemn it but the alienated feels justified.

Two great examples in the Bible of men whose sons became alienated were David with his son Absalom and in the New Testament the case of the prodigal son.  David suffered immensely over Absalom.  It would take up too much space to retell the story of David’s relationship with Absalom so let me speak here only of David’s love for Absalom even after Absalom rebelled and had sought to overthrow David as King and take his father’s life.

Prior to David’s army going into battle against the army of Absalom David commanded Joab, the commander of his own army, to “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom.” (2 Sam 18:5 NKJV)  When word was sent back to David as to how the battle had gone the first thing David wanted to know was, “Is the young man Absalom safe?” (2 Sam. 18:29 NKJV)  When he was told that was not the case, that Absalom was dead, the Bible gives us some of the most heart-wrenching words ever uttered by a father.

“O my son Absalom—my son, my son Absalom—if only I had died in your place!  O Absalom my son, my son!” (2 Sam. 18:33 NKJV)  The Bible says David, “was deeply moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept.” (2 Sam. 18:33 NKJV)  You always love your child no matter how deeply they grow to despise you.  Oh, what it would have meant to David if there could have been reconciliation before it came to this but reconciliation requires two willing parties.  One alone is not enough.

The New Testament example of alienation did not end in tragedy as was the case with David and Absalom but rather in great joy, in rejoicing.  In the prodigal son, we have a son who was not as alienated as Absalom was but who, nevertheless, was not satisfied and wanted to part ways from his father.  He felt he was being held back from the good life while at home.

The New Testament example of the prodigal son is too well known to repeat here other than to mention the father’s overwhelming joy when he saw his son coming down the road home.  “When he was still a great way off, his father saw him and had compassion, and ran and fell on his neck and kissed him.” (Luke 15:20 NKJV) 

Thus we have two examples of alienation with two totally different endings.  One wonders why people refuse to be reconciled when reconciliation is the road to peace, joy, and happiness.  Whatever the cause alienation begins with perverseness of the heart.

The account of the prodigal son and his father is really about you and me and God.  We are God’s creatures, his people, “It is he who has made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people and the sheep of his pasture.” (Psalm 100:3 NKJV)  “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way.” (Isa. 53:6 NKJV)

We are or have been, depending on where we are now in our standing with God, like the prodigal son.  We left God when we chose sin over him.  “There is none righteous, no not one.” (Rom. 3:10 NKJV)  “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Rom. 3:23 NKJV)

The gospel message is God’s call for the prodigal to come home.  It is the message of the father seeking the son or daughter who has gone astray who waits patiently until their return if only they are willing to be reconciled.  He is longsuffering and forbearing not willing that any should perish (2 Peter 3:9).  He “desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.” (1 Tim. 2:4 NKJV)

The gospel is as if God was standing and calling to us to come for as Paul said to the Thessalonians, “He called you by our gospel.” (2 Thess. 2:14 NKJV)  It is “the word of reconciliation.” (2 Cor. 5:19 NKJV)  “And the Spirit and the bride say, ‘Come!’  And let him who hears say, ‘Come!’  And let him who thirsts come.  Whoever desires, let him take the water of life freely.” (Rev. 22:17 NKJV)

It is an invitation but it is more than that.  It is a plea, “as though God were pleading through us:  we implore you on Christ’s behalf, be reconciled to God.” (2 Cor. 5:20 NKJV)  Reconciliation is a choice, a decision to be made.  The son I told you about earlier whose father and mother I knew made a choice, a choice to not be reconciled for those many years.  It was a bad choice.  It is a horrible choice, even a tragedy, any time a person makes the decision that he will not be reconciled with those against whom he is alienated.  All are losers, none winners. 

We ought to be reconciled to our fellowman if alienated.  We are to forgive one another so that we might be forgiven.  “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” (Matt. 6:14 NKJV)  We ought to grow tired of fussing and fighting, of anger, hatred, and bitterness.

You know if we were to ask the question of why heaven is going to be such a grand and joyous place we would have to talk not only about what will be there but also about what will not be there--all of these evil things that burden the heart and bring tears and sorrow.  Heaven is a place of love.  It is not a place of alienation, anger, and bitterness. 

The Bible says when Jesus drew near the city of Jerusalem, as he drew near to it for the last time (from afar), “he wept.” (Luke 19:41 NKJV)  What do you think brought him to tears?  In Matthew, we find his feelings expressed when he says, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to her!  How often I wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!” (Matt. 23:37 NKJV)  This was God crying for his lost alienated children who would not come home.

God’s plea is that we be reconciled to him.  He is the prodigal son’s father, figuratively speaking, looking down the road to see if we will come home.  Are you going to tell him you are not willing?  If so is that where you will find happiness and contentment—find it in alienation?  We ought to come home to God with tears of rejoicing that the alienation is over and we are home at last, that wonderful word and wonderful place--home.  Home is where you belong, where I belong, where we all belong, home with God.

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